The perfectionist.

Posted on May 5, 2011 by Marieke

Even though most of us do not have MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) we all have several voices in our head. We have our conscious telling us right from wrong, our angel telling us to be nice, our inner-child telling us to rebel and break free and so on and so
forth. Another voice that might bug us every once in a while, or for some every moment of our waking day, is the inner-critic. The voice that lingers in the back of our mind whispering; ” You are procrastinating, this is not enough, you could have done way better,  or maybe even … YOU SUCK!

This Inner-Critic, as I will name it for this post, is part of all of us and especially close to the perfectionist among us. The perfectionist knows this voice to be there all the time, it is the driving force behind them excelling, always there, never slipping…  It is what makes perfectionists ’perfect’, because according to that voice it is never good enough and they always need to take things to another level. Sitting and just being is out of the question and not judging is impossible for them to do. With a little practice they might be able to look at the outside world and it’s flaws with a certain mildness, but when it comes to their own life, not judging is impossible to do. They firmly believe  they must be perfect or should at least try, they are the perfect wife, husband, mother, employee and are in complete denial of the fact that they are human.

Being human is something they simply refuse to admit and will have the hardest time dealing with, when trying to take it easy a little bit… Their own humanness… They have never considered this, it never crossed their minds and it is therefore very difficult to grasp… For a perfectionist to realize they are human is for a Ferrari to realize it is just a car…. It is extremely beautiful, has unimaginable excellence, a motor like no other, but for groceries or a ski trip they are not very convenient. Same goes for perfectionists, they have impeccable talents, skills and strong suits but some things are just not for them… Problem is, they are perfectionists and will never admit this. They will keep forcing themselves to be perfect at everything, giving more and more each time…

Now don’t get me wrong…. Being a recovering perfectionist my self, I know this voice all too well…   And I can honestly say… Being a perfectionist is not bad. It is just exhausting. And lonely, because apart from constantly standing on your toes all the time, it sets you apart from the rest. The ones who are not perfect. And for them you are just annoying. Yes, you read it correctly… Annoying…. Nobody wants to be around someone who pretends to be perfect. People who are perfect, or rather pretend to be, who do not have any flaws, who make no mistakes and know what to do all the time make you feel there is something wrong with you. They make you feel uncomfortable. It is difficult to relax around them, unwind and have some fun…

Now, what if it could be possible to have a perfectionist instead of being a perfectionist? What if instead of being on your toes all the time, you choose your moments to excel, go the extra mile, wisely? What would happen if you sent your perfectionist on a well-deserved holiday for a while?  What would be different if you allowed yourself to try out being human for a while? Maybe even make a mistake?  I know, sounds horrible!!!

But what if by practicing, perfectionism became a choice? Give it a break every now and again? Or maybe even something you can make use off when needed? That you can turn on and off as you wish? What would your world look like then? What would become possible? Real friends? Real connections? Fun? Relaxation? Waking up refreshed, excited about your day? Maybe even learning? Trial and error??? Whoohooo imagine that, best of both worlds, just like that!!!

What could be the first step today?

 

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Problems vs Solutions

Posted on May 5, 2011 by Marieke

Everybody has problems, things they would like to change. Some would like to lose a few pounds, others would like to get rid of some debt or maybe change jobs because they are no longer satisfied.

When we are confronted with problems some of us have the tendency  to stare at them. Like a deer caught in headlights, unable to move… Others start picking at them, trying to figure out why… Thinking once we figure out the why, we will be able to eliminate whatever is causing this problem and then move on… Simply not do X anymore so that we will lose the weight, be able to pay off our credit cards and we will finally find the job that will make us truly happy…. Somehow it doesn’t really work…

By zooming in on what we do wrong, the weaknesses we have, we do not really motivate ourselves to change. It doesn’t provide us with the necessary energy to make that step. It only “proves” to us that we are weak, not smart enough or maybe even not meant to change. This is who we are, live with it…

Einstein once said: “Problems cannot be solved from the same mindset that created them.” In other words by focusing on the problem we do not solve it. Some say that problems and
solutions are completely different from each other. They go so far to as to say that solutions have nothing to do with the problem. It is something different entirely. That if you really want to change there is only one thing you should do and that is… STEP AWAY FROM THE PROBLEM!

Now this is not very revolutionary. It comes from Solution Focused Therapy, developed in the 70’s. Further developed by Steve the Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg. SFT as the name mentions focuses on the solution. It comes from the firm believe that the client is the expert on choosing direction in their lives and solving their own problems. The coach is the expert when it comes to the tools and the techniques. S/He creates a space where solutions can be defined and designed, mindsets alter and change can actually occur. The coach does not tell the client what to do, doesn’t give advice, suggest or steer in any direction. It firmly believes that the client is an intelligent independent individual, highly capable and naturally resourceful. It also believes that by focusing on the solution, by really zooming in on the desired change, change actually happens much faster and almost automatic.

Now this is where I get excited. Providing a safe space where people can challenge themselves, change and grow in a fast and sustainable way is exactly what makes heart beat faster, where I get passionate. Especially, when it can be done in a short timespan. I do not believe coaching courses should go on and on forever. My preference is to make
it short and sweet. Coaching should be an investment that you cash in on for the rest of your life. Creating maximum ROI by implementing the changes necessary and then knowing you can do it on your own.

Now the following exercise can be extremely difficult and very easy at the same time. When problems are staring you in the face or surround you, stepping away from them, not looking at it, not thinking about it can be the biggest challenge ever. Especially when the problem has been there for a while, stress hormones are running through your veins and you haven’t been sleeping well. You feel like you have tried everything and nothing worked, there is no way out…. If what you are doing doesn’t work -> do something else.

Solution Focus Exercise

First for this moment, let go of the problem. Take a deep breath, shake your shoulders. Take a moment to feel your feet on the floor. Breathe…

Now… Challenge yourself. Keep in mind that you really need to step away from the problem. Allow yourself to open up and use all your creativity and resourcefulness. Go into details. Really stretch yourself and your thinking, be imaginative you can do this!

Ask yourself the following questions;

  • What do you want to change?
  • Why do you want this to change?
  • How would you like things to be different?
  • Once the change has occurred, how will things be  different?
  • What will make you notice things are different?
  • What will there be instead of the problem?
  • How will others notice the difference?
  • What will you notice about yourself, once things are different?
  • What will you notice about others, once things  are different?
  • What is already going well?
  • What results have already been achieved?
  • What parts of the desired change have already  occurred?
  • What helped doing this?
  • When in the past have you been able to achieve a  similar goal?
  • What worked well then?
  • What was different then?
  • What can you use now from your past experience?
  • What small step could you make now towards your intended goal?
  • How would you notice this small step helped?

It only takes a small gesture to start a snowball rolling down hill. Once it is rolling it will become bigger and bigger. What happens if you look at change like this?

What small step will you take today?

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Structure. Tie down or the only way to freedom?

Posted on October 23, 2009 by Marieke

Some people claim to be allergic to structure. They say it ties them down and it does not allow the freedom to create, live or just be. Structure makes them feel boxed in and locked up. Not knowing what their day or week is going to look like and just going with whatever pops-up is discribed as total freedom. Is this really the case? How free does one feel, when there’s work to do and bills to pay? How much can one enjoy living the “free-flowing” – lifestyle when things are backing-up? Not knowing what to do when, not prioritizing and always in the back of your head the endless to-do-list. Ignoring the voices in your head telling you what needs to be done, actually costs energy a lot of energy.

By structuring your life, prioritizing and taking care of your to-do-list, you open up space. When you you build a structure where there is time for everything, work, creation, free-flowing and just being… you cannot help but feel the freedom structure brings. Even though you might think at first that it will tie you down, you will realize that is helps to take the load of your back and just go…. Knowing there is a time and a place for everything will allow you to relax, enjoy and just be!

Talk to your coach about this and open your life up to freedom through structure.

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Happiness; an unannounced pop-up…

Posted on September 19, 2009 by Marieke

 

Today I read an interview with a Dutch writer Guus Kuijer, who said; “It is no use to search for happiness. Happiness is a by product, not a end result, of certain steps. When you are enthusiastic, able to be surprised, it will happen naturally. ” This really resonated with me.  Isn’t it true that when we try too hard things do not work? Isn’t it true that when you search too hard for a word it stays on the tip of your tongue, but when we let go, don’t think about it for a while, it pops up in our head all by itself.  Doesn’t the same apply for being happy, it pops-up when we are not trying, when we are just living our lives and the smile of a child, the beauty of a flower or the taste of something wonderful catches us by surprise… This sudden moment of intense joy or pleasure overwhelms us and in that moment it’s just there… happiness.

In today’s society the search for happiness generates thousands of discussions, workshops, courses, books and articles. It is an inspirational subject many, many people write about and even more want to read about. Everybody wants to be happy. So do I, but what if happiness cannot be found if we search or try too hard? What if the endless search of Happiness is standing in our way of actually being happy? When is it time to stop searching and just be… happy?

Everybody has there own definition of happiness for some it is an exhilarating, blood pumping through there veins, rush like sensation, for others it is total peace, a stillness, a feeling of complete balance. A sense of happiness is described everywhere in between those completely different experiences. It is entirely personal and never the same for everybody.  But the one thing that these sensations have in common is that it is Right Here, Right Now. It is in that moment. The fact that it is a moment, transient,  is what makes it special. We enjoy the beauty of a flower because we know it will eventually wither. If that flower would bloom forever and would always be there, we would not notice it anymore.

So, what if being happy just pops-up every once and a while, if you search for it or not. What if happiness is in learning, and empathy. Being open to new possibilities and outcomes. What if happiness is a by product of being enthusiastic and allowing yourself to be surprised in the ongoing learning process that is life? What if we let go off this never ending search and just be, accept the fact that living in a non-stop state of happiness is not doable.  That being happy all the time might even start to bore us eventually, like listening to the same song all the time. Is it human nature to be in the middle, to be balanced, happy all the time, stillness, all the time, no challenges, nothing to overcome or let go of, no thought provoking situations, nothing? Will the thrilling sensation of your heart racing, blood pumping through your veins, a nonstop state of rush, still feel as happiness if you feel that all the time? Isn’t the fact that happiness is this short lived moment what makes it so sweet?

What does this imply to all these books, workshops and courses on happiness? Learning how to overcome, reframe, let go and  move forward is something that is usefull to a lot of us. Learning how to open up to new possibilities and outcomes is wonderful. But knowing when to just be, allowing ourselves to be enthusiastic and be surprised can be the key. Accepting happiness as a pop-up that will come and go unexpected, can be the answer to this endless search for happiness. Accepting life as an ongoing learning process, steps to take, people to meet and things to experience and happiness as a by-product, an unannounced pop-up.

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Going with the Flow

Posted on September 15, 2009 by Marieke

Even though you have this great action-plan, you know exactly what to do and when, life can throw you for a loop. Plans fall through or people do not respond the way they were supposed to, it could even be the weather not doing what it promised. Disappointment, fear and shame might make us hold on to the original plan too rigidly. This can cost a lot more energy to make it work, changing the weather so to speak, will drain us. When we are too focused on an action-plan while surroundings have changed or are not working with us, we risk closing our eyes to possibilities and new outcomes. 

What I have noticed is that when we take a step back and allow ourselves to take a quick look to assess the situation, we open up to new possibilities and outcomes. Going with the flow for a bit always seems to open up breathing space all of a sudden. Things do not cost as much energy anymore and there is room for creativity and innovation again. 

Does this mean we have to give up creating an action-plan and just go with the flow? A ship that sets sail without a destination is just drifting at sea, going no where. An action-plan is a great tool to determine your destination.  Storms might break out on your way or you might encounter pirates. Trying to get to your destination as planned in situations like that might seem like an endless struggle. Going with the flow in times like these, will allow you to call on your creativity to think of solutions, innovate, be flexible and keep going.

When creating an action-plan do we have to be prepared for everything? Bring extra sails, oars, guns and canons, wetsuits, diving gear and maybe even a snowsuit? Although going through a variety of situations in your head will prepare you mentally and is therefor always good to do. Trying to be prepared for everything is a mission impossible apart from back breaking because of the overload of stuff you will be dragging with you. Trusting your abilities to improvise and make use of the situation as is, will allow you to travel light.  When you allow your self to go with the flow when things do not go as planned, trust is key. Knowing you have all the skills and talents you need to make it work, will allow you to relax, open up to new possibilities and MAKE it work! Achieving your goals will feel effortless and so much more fun than you ever imagined!  

Talk to your coach to become familiar with all your skills and talents, so you can go with the flow when life does not go as planned…

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The Power of Thought

Posted on August 25, 2009 by Marieke

If you follow your train of thoughts you will see the source of why you are where you are right now.

What we think of ourselves and how we think of ourselves will determine how we act. Which decisions we make, how we proceed and what we think is doable. If deep down our thoughts are clouded by negativity we will decide (maybe on a subconscious level) that we will not be able to reach a certain goal. Even though we set goals and start with the action-plan to achieve them, we will on a subconscious level try to prove our initial thoughts right and start to sabotage the goal or achievements towards that goal. If we have positive thoughts(believe-systems) at the root of our goals we will on a subconscious level try to prove them right. So in order to be successful our goals need to stem from positivity. Everybody has a limiting belief-system to a certain amount, so everybody will encounter some form of negative thought when chasing a goal. It is up to us to follow our train of thought to the source and see why we are where we are. Once we have unraveled the source we can re-frame it. Is the negativity really true? Do you have actual, factual prove….? Most of the time we don’t and we have actual and factual prove of the opposite. We are talented, we have achieved so much already and we have strengths and resources to rely on. Once we allow ourselves to see this,  nothing is standing in our way to achieve our goals.

When you are stuck, procrastinating or not getting what you want; follow your train of thought and see what is truly there. Talk to your coach about this.

Allow yourself your success, you deserve every bit of it!

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Focus

Posted on August 24, 2009 by Marieke

How to prevent day-to-day life from getting in the way of your focus.

Keeping your eye on the ball, is easier said then done! Day-to-day life simply gets in the way of our goals and blurs our focus. Wanting to loose those extra pounds and actually loosing them are two different things entirely! Changing careers, having a full filling relationship, working out on a regular basis, it all takes focus and when we live our lives it sometimes seems impossible to stay focused. We want to relax and have a little fun… Focus is often perceived as being extremely determined and having a pit bull mentality that takes a lot of effort and for most of us, just the idea of it makes us tired. But what if focus can also mean having fun, being relaxed, enjoying life and doing what you love? What if focus is something that is with you all the time? Ready to be used whenever you need it. Lurking in the back of you mind, waiting patiently for you to call … What if focus can be called upon whenever you need it? Just close your eyes take a deep breath and call…. FOCUS!!!!!

Focus is a mindset that if we give it a little nourishement, training and TLC it can help us anytime we want. It is right there waiting… Ready, willing and able…

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Transformation

Posted on August 24, 2009 by Marieke

Wanting change, needing change, desiring to live a different life, is something we all encounter at some point in our life. The feeling that the same issues meet us over and over, relationships having to take the same hurdle again and again, having to loose the same pounds and then some, not having the career you always dreamed of. So many of us deal with this every day!

And then there is today’s climate…. The realization that things need to be tackled differently seems to be Universal. People are completely done with living with fear and scarcity. People waiting impatiently to break free from old patterns, wanting to trust again, built again, live again… Demands for change are everywhere!

What I find in my coaching practice is that it is human nature to resist change, stepping out of the comfort zone even though the outlook is so much better, doing things the way we are used to seems infinitely more comfortable then entering unknown territory… And even though we muster up the courage to “change” things and do it differently after a while we find ourselves caught up in the same situation again! What causes this?

Lack of transformation. Simply changing the scenery is not going to transform your future. If your thoughts, beliefs and intentions stay the same you can move to a different planet, but the same issues will keep haunting you. In order for you to live a different life you need to transform your thoughts, beliefs and intentions. By transforming yourself you will create your life from a clean slate, start over so to speak.

What transformation basically comes down to is rewriting your future. So instead of living a very predictable life with the same issues you will create the freedom to do it differently, clean up old messes, create clarity and vision, focus on the fun stuff and live the life you have always dreamed of!

Puzzled on how to do this? It is very simple, make the decision and do it!

You do not have to do it by yourself, there are plenty of highly trained, motivated, unconditionally supportive coaches out there jumping at the change to help you transform your life! You can find them on the internet via google, the website of the International Coach Federation (ICF) or on LinkedIn and Twitter.

Transformation –> Anyone can do it and if not now, when?

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Self-Care

Posted on August 23, 2009 by Marieke

Now this is something I am very passionate about… Self-care…

If you do not take care of yourself, treat yourself, relax, exercise, unwind and have fun, you will be running on empty pretty soon. Especially when you lead a very high-pressured life (and who isn’t nowadays?) it is important to let your body break off the stress hormones (cortisol). Otherwise this is going to build up and you are at risk of feeling tired all the time, not being able to sleep, gaining weight, and emotional instability. You know you have not been practicing self-care enough when you get up with this heavy tired feeling in the morning, dragging yourself in the shower, need large quantities of coffee and sugar to get going and have not being able to shake this feeling the rest of your day or even week… Tasks that you would normally do in a heart beat now take forever and it is impossible to stay focused and relaxed. You have this knot in your neck or between you shoulder blades that does not go away and life is just a little bit more draining overall.

Getting a massage, a pedicure, a haircut, going to the gym or having a date with some friends for coffee or drinks (martini’s!!) is imperative to keep up with a successful, focused and goal oriented life. Balancing things out with self-care is key!

Most of my clients when they start working with me have to get used to the fact that self-care is something I make sure they schedule in. When we go over the upcoming week I always ask them; What are you doing for self-care this week? In the beginning most of them say; What do you mean? Self-care? I don’t have time for that! Or I will do that next week… Now I know the people who know me start smiling when reading this… Cause they know I do NOT let people of the hook when it comes to self-care… After a while clients start scheduling self-care into their schedules all by them selves, cause they have noticed what it does to their lives. They now know they will, achieve their goals more effortless, be more confident, have more fun and overall be more successful if they practice self-care on a regular basis. They have noticed the energy, the balance and the happiness it brings them and they are sold,  hooked on the feeling!

What are you doing for self-care this week?

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